why am i thinking about this?
Friday, July 23, 2010 / 2:48 AM
I will marry someone that feels like home.
Someone who... someone whom I will think of when I go to bed. Someone who will be be on my mind when I wake up. That's my deal with the whole marriage thing. I'm that much of a hopeless romantic that only when I know and when I truly feel that my heart belongs to someone... I'll be theirs. When someone marries just because its the next step, because you're used to each other, because you want a sure, set person to have sex with (ugly, I know, but I'm in Wisconsin and Wisconsin fucking sucks), because you have to, because it's the last resort... it bugs me. What is that all about? Way to follow the flowchart laid out by everyone else around you, moron. Way to waste your feelings.
Yeah. Hopeless romantic. That's me.
I'm thinking about this because my Ryan is being deployed overseas for six months in three fucking days and the words 'Ryan' and 'marriage' often follow each other (NO, not as 'its going to happen' but as 'this dude almost became my husband'). Yes, I just said 'my' Ryan. Fucking Army. I guess three days is better than what they usually do... which is give you a notice of six hours. He was not allowed to tell me where, only that I'd receive notice if anything happened. Why? Because I'm listed as primary contact, primary beneficiary if anything happened to him.
Still.
I don't understand. Did he transfer? Did the training he was taking a break from when he visited me mean something other than 'officer training'? Oh, if he did, he's in major trouble. I know he's an officer, I know he works with intelligence and logistics... that is all I am allowed to know. So, what's with the sudden deployment? I know his branch of work rarely deploys its privates let alone one of its sergeants.
Why the
fuck am I freaking out?
(No, trust me, I know why I'm freaking out. It's because I almost married the guy and a piece of me is still so in love with him the thought of him anywhere his safety is endangered... no. It took me... a month to figure this out, by the way. Between his visit up until now. Where do I stand with that? Let me put it bluntly; what is done is done. I need to find my way now. The only thing I have to expect is to see how things go.)
Sigh. Looks like I better get in touch with his mom for the next couple of weeks. She can't be taking this easy.
ogni cuore
ha il suo dolore
If you're here, you've somehow managed to stumble across my blog. The word blog makes me think of snooty fashionistas in
New York writing about their later escapades in their pink Mercedes so we'll just call this the place were Ria (yours truly)
can spit out whatever the hell she wants with no responsibility or thought about who she might be offending.
Also, if you're reading this, you might want to know a few things. This is my fifth attempt at successfully keeping a record of my thoughts and doings
- after a few LiveJournals, a former Blog (if you peek around you might find it), and a few paper journals - so, I figure this might be the last chance
I'll give myself to write everyday - if not possible then every other day - about what's going on through my head.
N
o, you're not handcuffed to a chair. You may leave if you will. Go watch porn.
My basic goal with this is to try to flesh out the philosophies, memories, thoughts that make me - me.
Truthfully, I just want to write again. I miss it.
omnes relinquite spes
o vos intrantes
Nel mezzo del camin di nostra vita
mi ritrovai per una selva oscura
che la diritta via era smarrita.
Ahi quanto a dir qual era è cosa dura
esta selva selvaggia e aspra e forte,
che nel pensier rinuova la paura!
Tant 'e amara che poco è più morte;
ma per trattar del ben ch'i' vi trovai,
dirò del altre cose ch'i' v'ho scorte.
Dante Alighieri, The Divine Comedy. Inferno
and tonight
the stars revolt
